Everyday social life is made more civil by small, unremarkable acts of politeness. Saying "please" and "thank you," holding a door open, or waiting in line instead of cutting in line are habits that reduce friction and make shared spaces more bearable. They are not acts on the level of piety of Mother Theresa, but they function as small acts of kindness nevertheless. In recent years, the use of preferred pronouns has been presented in a similar way: as a simple courtesy, a minimal act of respect, something decent people do without complaining. Questioning the practice is often treated as evidence of cruelty or bigotry rather than mere disagreement.
This framing has always carried an implicit form of pressure. As I brought up in my 2022 criticism of the practice, pronoun usage is not merely suggested. Even if done so subtly, it is morally demanded and with social consequences for noncompliance. What is changing now is not the underlying logic, but the level of enforcement. A group of Long Island school organizations is in the process of suing New York Attorney General Letitia James, alleging that the state is pressuring schools to mandate "the right pronouns," transforming social coercion into government-backed compulsion.
I will tell you what my qualms and counterarguments are not. This is not a hit piece on transgender people. I have been consistent on this blog for about a decade about the fact that civil rights for all also means for transgender people. I have opposed transgender bathroom bans, transgender military bans, and stripping transgender people of their Second Amendment rights. Those policy positions come from the same place as my opposition to compelling pronoun usage, which is a commitment to individual liberty.
Freedom of Choice
In a free society, transgender people have the right to live the way they choose, whether that is to medically transition at their own expense (as an adult only), to dress how they want, and to live their life as if they were the opposite biological sex. However, there is an element of "my rights begin where yours end" here.
Transgender people can do all the things I just mentioned, but freedom for all also means that others are allowed to disagree, to reject another person's identity claims, and to decline such compelled speech as using someone else's preferred pronouns. Liberty does not require agreeing with everyone. Tolerance does not need affirmation to exist. After all, I, as a Jew, do not need to confirm the religious affirmations of a Christian, Muslim, or another religious person in order to treat them with dignity. Moral decency is how we treat people in spite of our disagreements. Being free to claim a certain identity does not mean you get to steamroll another individual's freedom of conscience or freedom of speech in the process.
Kindness Must Be Voluntary
Beyond this political dimension of freedom, framing pronoun usage as kindness obfuscates a certain reality. Kindness, by its very nature, is voluntary and presumes agency: it is not a one-way street. Kindness cannot be defined solely by the desires of the recipient. It requires a choice on the part of the person giving the kindness. If this practice were only about kindness, it would not require shaming, threats, accusations of bigotry, or use of government coercion. That is because much of pronoun usage is not about being kinder, but coercing a worldview. If kindness is coerced, whether by government mandate or social pressure, that is not compassionate or kind. It ceases to be a moral virtue and turns into compliance and ideological enforcement. Coercing pronouns erodes the very kindness that the practice was meant to encourage.
Compelled Speech and Honesty
Compelled false affirmation compromises honesty because speech is not merely mechanical; it is expressive. Pronouns are not neutral placeholders. They convey claims about sex and gender, as we will see shortly. When someone is forced to use pronouns that affirm a view of sex that they do not believe to be true, they are asked to speak dishonestly, even if no malice is intended.
Self-Respect and Resentment
This compelled speech also erodes self-respect. Being forced to affirm what one rejects is a form of self-suppression that signals that one's view is not merely wrong, but illegitimate. Over time, that does not breed kindness; it breeds quiet resentment. Psychological reactance theory posits that when people perceive their autonomy threatened by controlling language, they are more likely to resist and form negative attitudes toward the source of the message. This reactance could be contributing to why there is backlash against the trans rights movement, even when there is otherwise an absence of explicit malice.
Movements that seek broad social acceptance depend on persuasion and goodwill, not compliance. I would argue that this "live and let live" approach was a major component of what made the gay rights movement so successful. When affirmation is extracted instead of earned, you might get the compliance. But it also means withdrawing the sympathy, which undermines the acceptance that such a policy is meant to promote.
Stable Categories and Legal Clarity
The consequences of this pronoun usage go beyond social resentment and undermining kindness itself. This struggle with pronouns is also about language and reality. This was something I discussed extensively in April when praising the U.K. Supreme Court's decision that only biological women are actually women. Biological sex is not a societal construct nor is it a matter of self-definition. It is a legal category with concrete implications in such areas as sports, medical policy, and sex-segregated spaces. Laws need to be stable and intelligible categories to properly function. This is why I am so critical of gender identity-based legal protections. Creating categories without clear, limiting principles creates confusion about what is being protected and why. Pronoun mandates accelerate this confusion by requiring people to speak in a way that obscures rather than clarifies material distinctions that the law has recognized. When terms rooted in biological sex lose clear meaning, it makes it more difficult to protect gay rights and women's rights.
Truth, Morality, and Language
However, this is not solely about legal concerns. This is about whether people are permitted to speak plainly about biological reality, even when the truth is uncomfortable or inconvenient. Lying or being compelled to express something one knows to be false is neither factually nor morally neutral. Words carry meaning and language is meant to convey ideas in as precise and accurate of a manner as possible. Distorting meanings, especially when to fulfill a political agenda, undermines trust and erodes personal integrity. False statements have real-world consequences, from misapplied laws to confused social expectations. Kindness generally does not go hand in hand with lying or deception. Speaking truthfully, even when difficult, is essential for moral integrity and for preserving a shared understanding of the world.
Conclusion: Obedience Is Neither Kind Nor Without Cost
Using preferred pronouns may seem effortless or costless. The reality is that this practice comes with the cost of punishing dissent, compromising truth, and violating freedom of conscience and freedom of speech. Saying "it costs nothing" is nothing more than linguistic sleight of hand. Kindness cannot be coerced because morality is only meaningful when freely chosen. Language is a primary tool for navigating reality, forming relationships, and creating laws. When language is distorted, all of these facets of life suffer. Respect must be earned, not enforced. If society values honesty, freedom, well-functioning laws, and genuine goodwill, we need to resist the temptation to equate the obedience behind compelling pronouns with kindness.










