Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, is considered the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. The central part of Yom Kippur liturgy is the confessional known as Vidui (ודוי). This confessional is divided into two parts. The first is a summary version of one's wrongdoings called Ashamnu (אשמנו). The second is a longer list of sins referred to as Al Chet (על חטא). This confessional is so essential to Yom Kippur that it is recited ten times throughout the course of the Yom Kippur services. The purpose of this confessional is recognize our wrongdoings from the previous year to inspire us to do better for the next year.
I grew up Catholic, which had its own forms of self-flagellation and guilt. In that respect, you would think having converted to Judaism would make the Vidui a natural fit. I have both Catholic and Jewish guilt metaphorically running through my veins. Reciting this prayer should be a no-brainer for someone with my background. At first, I did like it because it played off of both Catholic and Jewish guilt. As I got older, I confronted my perfectionism and realized how unattainable it is. As such, it became more difficult to deal with the traditional Vidui during Yom Kippur. "Why take a day out of my calendar to be hard on myself when I already do it year-round," I asked myself. I reflect on this part of my life because a friend of mine sent me something shortly before this past Shabbat began (see below).
The text above called the Ahavnu Vidui. It was written by Rabbi Avi Weiss over ten years ago. R. Weiss was well known for his activism for Soviet Jewry in the 1980s (along with other forms of activism), as well as for starting the Modern Orthodox yeshiva (seminary) called Yeshivat Chovevei Torah. Some might take one look at this confessional and think of it as frou-frou, pop psychology that has no basis in Jewish tradition. I will say that I have met R. Avi Weiss and I know that this Vidui is coming from a good place. Second, this newer confessional is based off a Vidui Ma'aser attributed to the famous R. Avraham Yitzchak Kook (more on that momentarily).
This brings up a legal and philosophical question about what you do when you create new rituals or practices. Tevye the milkman grappled with this theme throughout the musical Fiddler on the Roof. As important as tradition can be, it's not an end-all. Plus, there was a point in time which traditions were once new. As we create new traditions, the question should be whether such a practice, ritual, or belief lines up with the overall arc of Judaism. It is a question I asked about any custom or tradition created post-Talmud, whether it is the orange on the seder plate, the electric menorah, mourning on the Omer, adding the Matriarchs to the Amidah, shlissel challah, tashlich, or wearing a kippah.
And let's not forget the long-standing tradition of adding prayers and blessings to the siddur (prayer book) over time, including Ein Keloheinu (9 c.), Unetaneh Tokef (11 c.), Aleinu (12 c.), Yigdal (14 c.), Lecha Dodi (16 c.), Modeh Ani (16 c.), and Yedid Nefesh (16 c.). While confession has its origins in the Torah, the Al Chet was not formalized until the 8th century. The more elaborate form of Ashamnu that we know now came about sometime in the Middle Ages. Trying to dismiss the Ahavnu Vidui by saying that it is new would ignore centuries of tradition in terms of making the prayer book longer and longer with more prayers.
I understand having the traditional Vidui with the Ashamnu and Al Chet as part of Yom Kippur liturgy. Only focusing on our good aspects could lead to haughtiness, self-absorption, an inflated sense of ego, and virtue signaling. I would surmise that is why Jewish tradition places such emphasis on wrongdoing during a time such as Yom Kippur. If we are not aware of our wrongdoings and shortcomings, how can we fix them? Ignoring our flaws is contrary to the underlying premise of personal development. It is why I do not advocate for removing the traditional Vidui.
Conversely, I think that having an Ahavnu Vidui is a good idea. This is in part because our foibles and flaws are not a complete view of ourselves. We have a tendency to be our own worst critics. There is a need for balance. Maimonides went as far as saying that everyone should view themselves as an exact balance between guilt and acquittal (Mishnah Torah, Hilchot Teshuvah, 3:4) in order to make sure that that next action in life was a good one. There is also a negative psychological effect of all negative all the time. To quote R. Avi Weiss:
Repetitive Vidui can also have an opposite effect: it can bring one to despair, to loss of confidence, even to loss of belief in one's capacity to do. After so many Ashamnus, one may be left overwhelmed, wondering, "Is there anything I've done right? Do I have the capacity to make positive contributions to the world?"
R. Kook did believe in having a more positive Vidui. He said that "a person should also be joyous concerning the good they have done and being able to confess one's good deeds (Commentary to Mishnah Ma'aser Sheni 5:10). The catch with R. Kook's version is that he was the opinion that a positive Vidui should only be recited twice every seven years. The reason to recite the positive version less frequently is to "avoid smugness and complacency."
I understand the need to avoid those negative tendencies. I also have to ask if twice every seven years is adequate. A researcher named Marcial Losada conducted mathematical modeling on the number of positive to negative interactions necessary to make a corporate team successful (Losada and Fredrickson, 2005). The Losada ratio showed that about three positive statements was needed for one negative statement to maximize productivity. This research did come under scrutiny, including the retraction of that specific Losada ratio. In 2013, a Harvard Business Review article pointed out that the ideal ratio between praise and criticism is about 5.6:1.
It is tough getting at an exact praise-to-criticism ratio because human beings have a wide range of personalities in which a one-size-fits-all approach is not the best. What might be an acceptable ratio for me might not be for you. We each have our own tendencies, traits, strengths, and flaws. Regardless of whether there is some magical ratio, one thing that is clear is that you need both constructive criticism and praise if you want to be a better person.
That is not only for professional relations, but also for our spiritual lives. If we solely keep focusing on our wrongdoings, we will not find the confidence or the motivation to mitigate our shortcomings. If we solely focus on our positive aspects, we get off on our hubris while potentially having our flaws get more flawed. What the exact ratio is I cannot say. Like with any recipe, it is about proportions. What I can say is that having the traditional Vidui alongside with a newer Vidui in the spirit of R. Weiss would help us in a more holistic spiritual practice in which we can truly be our best selves.
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