A key component of a pluralistic, democratic society is being able to express views and opinions that others are going to disagree with. As long as we wish to have that type of society, we have the right to criticize and scrutinize anyone and everyone. It does not matter whether it is coming from the Left or the Right, the religious or the secular. Stupidity, hypocrisy, and generally bad ideas should be scrutinized. That is an important lesson that the TV series South Park has taught me.
I have held to that idea as I have blogged over the years. In 2015, I wrote a piece on why we should criticize Islam along with everything else. I have let the woke Left have it more than once, whether it is about perpetuating racism, cancel culture, or calling everything they do not agree with racist. I have illustrated how Trump's tariffs and immigration policies are harmful. Guess who is not exempt from criticism? The trans activist community.
Before I continue, I want to say this is not a piece against trans people. I have stated before that we should treat trans people with dignity and respect because they are human beings. I have also criticized transgender bathroom bans and the transgender military ban. I am okay with an adult getting gender reassignment surgery as long as there is informed consent. I recognize that trans people go through certain challenges that others either do not face or do not encounter in the same way. Conversely, I can also recognize that there are trans activists who have powerful allies that are going beyond the "live and let live" approach that made the gay rights movement so successful by trying to force their views onto others.
Today, I want to address a specific argument that is pushed by trans activists. It is an argument you can find in such media outlets as Advocate, the BBC, Medium, and the Spectator. Essentially, their line of argumentation is that if you prima facie decide that you do not want to sleep with, date, or be in a relationship with a transgendered person, that makes you a transphobic bigot. Their reasoning is that "cisnormativity," preconceived notions about transgender people, and negative stereotypes dissuade people from dating trans people. In short, it is merely ignorance and misconception that keeps people from dating trans people. Now is the part where I scrutinize where this argument goes awry.
First and foremost, let us start with the fact that dating is a discriminatory and exclusionary process. Only 2 percent of people on the planet live in polygamous households (Pew Research), The vast majority of people on this planet are looking for one person to date and eventually marry. A romantic relationship is a specific type of relationship that entails certain criteria for attraction, chemistry, and compatibility. For almost everyone out there, that includes physical and sexual attraction (more on that later).
There are numerous reasons and factors as to why people decide not to date, sleep with, or marry someone. For me, some people on the Left I tried dating have rejected me solely because of my political beliefs. Others did so because I was Jewish and either did not want to be with someone who was more religious or because they wanted to be with someone of the same religion. I did not think they were full of hate and malice because they did not want to date me. Or as a trans author at the intersectional publication An Injustice! brought up, being aware of and acknowledging one's priorities, desires, and needs in a romantic relationship is not a phobia of any kind.
There are many reasons that people decide that they do not want to date someone else. You know what? That's okay. Like a good libertarian, I believe that it is their life and they have preferences and priorities for the type they want to live. As long as they are not harming anyone vis-à-vis the non-aggression axiom, I do not care. "Different strokes for different folks," as the saying goes. Yes, having a romantic relationship is a nice plus in life. Nevertheless, no one is entitled to a romantic relationship and nobody has a right to force someone else to be in a relationship with them.
If we need a reminder on why this line of argumentation is perturbing, let us travel back in time to last decade when there was the #MeToo Movement. The whole premise of this movement was that violating another's bodily autonomy in a sexual context is wrong and that "no means no." Could you imagine if Harvey Weinstein bemoaned that women rejecting his advances was anti-Semitic, or if Bill Cosby ended up arguing in court that not wanting to sleep with him was racist? Trying to coax someone into sleeping with you or dating you when they are not attracted to you is morally wrong, and the argument of "refusing to date a trans person is transphobic" is not an exception. Plus, it is a recipe for a disastrous relationship because what sort of basis is that type of browbeating for a romantic relationship?
There is another movement that the Left has historically been in favor of: the gay rights movement. The gay rights movement had the laissez-faire attitude of "live and let live." Going back to a piece I wrote in May 2023, the point of the gay rights movement was that "sexual [orientation] is a personal matter that is not beholden to anyone else's wishes or expectations." Guess what? That includes the wishes and expectations of trans people.
This segues into the topic of sexual orientation. I came across a notable study that showed that 90 percent of people would not be interested in dating transgender people (Blair and Hoskin, 2019). To break down the findings, 5 percent of heterosexuals would be interested, as opposed to 12 percent of gay men, 29 percent of lesbians, or 50 percent of bisexuals. On the one hand, the fact that the percent is higher among gay men and lesbians suggest that greater exposure to trans people does open one's mind to the possibility, although there could be some social desirability bias in these numbers. Women have a more fluid sense of sexuality than men, so lesbians having a higher rate than gay men does not surprise me. On the other hand, the bisexuality finding is telling. Why? Bisexuals have a sexual attraction towards both male and female (hence the "bi-" in bisexual). You would think that figure would be closer to 100 percent, yet here we are.
This gets at another salient point. More people on the Left, particularly on the Far Left, do not care for the term "homosexual." It has nothing to do with the potential for it to be a slur. It has to do with what the word means. The prefix "homo-" means "same." The word "sexual" has to with instincts and physiological processes connected with physical attraction. Put the two together and you get Oxford's definition of "a pattern of sexuality in which sexual behavior and thinking are directed towards people of the same sex." The Far Left's objection to the word is in acknowledging that sexual attraction and same-sex attraction are realities.
There are trans people who complain about "being reduced to genitalia," but here's the thing. Gay men and straight women are sexually attracted to penises, testicles, the whole package (pun intended). Lesbians and straight men are sexually attracted to breasts and vaginas. For the vast majority of people on the planet, sexual attraction is an entry-level requirement to initiate a romantic or sexual relationship.
A gay man who refuses to date straight women is not being a misogynist; he is simply being gay. Straight men who refuse to be with a gay man are not being homophobic. Dating someone of the opposite sex is simply what it means to be heterosexual. People are not sexually attracted to gender identity. Sexual attraction is about biological sex. What a concept!
If that is not convincing enough, let's time travel back to another time when organizations on the Religious Right were trying to use so-called conversion "therapy" to try to turn gay people into heterosexuals. The overall premise of conversion "therapy" was that the same-sex desires or attraction were wrong and had to be changed. Not only was such "therapy" harmful to the recipients, but it did nothing to change their sexuality. Why? Because whether it is genetic, chemical, neurological, or a combination thereof, sexual attraction is immutable and involuntary.
You would think that we would have settled the argument of "is sexuality a choice," but it looks like it is subtly rearing its ugly head once more. Again, being a gay man means having an attraction towards other men, which includes not being sexually attracted to vaginas. Lesbians are not into penises because they are women who are sexually attracted to other women. What happens when you lob the "not dating a trans person is transphobic" at a gay person?
Making this argument against gay people denies who they are, their experiences, and what they desire in a relationship. Even if the intention is different, the end-result is not all that different from what so-called conversion "therapy" was seeking to accomplish: gay erasure. Homosexuality is based on same-sex attraction. As such, arguing that "not dating a trans person is transphobia" undermines the basis of gay tolerance and acceptance, which is its own form of homophobia.
Arguing that someone should select a romantic partner according to your sexual attraction and orientation as opposed to their own is neither inclusive nor tolerant.
I want to start my conclusion by asking this question:
How entitled do you have to be to think that someone owes you sex or a romantic relationship? Yet that is an underlying premise of arguing that "not dating a trans person is transphobic."
As long as it is with a consenting adult, whoever someone decides to date, marry, or sleep with is no one's business but their own. That is part of being in a free society. What makes a romantic relationship so nice is that it is voluntary and based on mutual respect and attraction. They say that there is someone out there for everyone, and I believe that includes trans people.
I imagine that dating as a trans person comes with its unique challenges and I hope they can find true love and happiness. As the aforementioned survey data indicate, there are people who are sexually and/or romantically interested in trans people. Trans people should seek those people who can love them for who they are. Instead of chasing someone who cannot fall in love with you (which is a bad idea for anyone), the focus should be on finding those who are attracted to trans people because it will best lead to a genuine, loving relationship. As transgender writer and video blogger Libby DownUnder brings up:
Is it 'love is love', or is it 'love is conditional love'? When I was in the dating game after my gender transition, I was upfront and honest before getting intimate, and yes, that meant a general lack of interest in me due to my transsexual background. But with transparency (no pun intended) and patience, I eventually found someone whom I'm still with to this day, no strings attached from either of us. Love is love, right?
All of this is to say that maybe, just maybe, woke people should find better things to do with their time than policing how people decide to live the sexual or romantic aspects of their lives.
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